im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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