he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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