I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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