im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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