I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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