I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Operation Purity has been aborted
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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