Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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