I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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