My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize