I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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