He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
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I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
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You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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