I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
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I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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