he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
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Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
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The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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