while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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