oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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