The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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