I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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