I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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