I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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