I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize