I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize