you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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