I could have mohawked her pubes.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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