I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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