I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
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Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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