the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
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Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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