Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
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The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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