I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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