I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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