meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
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He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize