already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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