I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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