Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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