dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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