I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize