god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A bitchslap is in order.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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