Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
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You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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