I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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