god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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