this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize