I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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