Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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