That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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