I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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