I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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