my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's blow job season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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