do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
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you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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