You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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