On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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