Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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